Unconditional Love

I flew to Ohio and visited my childhood best friend (my sister), her husband and my new baby niece for a few days. Anytime that I was awake and the baby wasn't nursing I pretty much held her. I've held babies plenty of times before. If there is a baby around chances are they are with me. This time though there was something different. I've never done overnights with these new babies before. I was "with her" for two and a half days. We went shopping, we went for walks, read books (lots and lots of books) and we just relaxed. I was perfectly content with just sitting on the couch and holding her. Staring at her and just loving her. She loves me unconditionally, babies love you unconditionally. 

Back home at the end of class each instructor will lead the class in hugging them self and saying love yourself love yourself. Those words were just words until about a year ago. I would say them when I was taking the class and when I stared teaching classes those words were, (I know it sounds bad) just words. 

April 25, 2013, the day I hit ONEderland, the day that I knew I had done something amazing, I had lost 40% of my original body weight, was the turning of me loving myself. I had qualified to have skin removal surgery. My arms bothered me. I hated looking at them in the mirror at class and I hated to think that others were looking at them, not only that but it hurt. It hurt to have all the extra skin flapping around and pulling. It was a mental, emotional and physical struggle, not to mention a finical decision as this was considered cosmetic surgery. I had to be ok with what I was going to be doing. I was going to be going from the excess skin to scars that ran from my elbow to my armpit. Surgery day came and I was wheeled into the OR. I looked at the Dr and said, "Make my arms skinny doc," to lighten the mood.

In the days following surgery my arms were pretty much wrapped all the time to keep the swelling down. I returned to teaching school days later, although I didn't have any physical pain I was exhausted. I had bought long sleeve shirts to return to school-not because I was self conscious in any means, but in order for my students to not be focusing on the scars and on what they needed to be doing. 

One month later we had an open house and I was leading off the warm up to kick it off. I stood in front of the class and got ready to hit play. I looked at myself in the mirrors. It was the first time I was looking at myself full on, leading a class. My mind went first to my arms. I looked at them and was ready to see what they could do. It was surreal looking at them and not seeing extra skin flap and feel that extra pull. It was the start of me not just loving myself, but loving what I saw on the outside.  

As the months went on my sleeve length became shorter and before to long it was just a matter of fact. Feelings of focus on my scars came back again at the end of the school year when I began interviewing in other districts for a new job. I had cute dresses to wear, but I wanted and felt as though I needed to wear a jacket to cover my scars so that the committee would hear me and not be focused on my scars. I got a second interview and I searched for another outfit to cover my arms-I had to teach a lesson in front of 18 kindergartners and, let's face it, kids are honest. Not finding one, I settled for a shirt the would cover a good portion and went from there, and you know what? The kids didn't say a word. The saw me not my arms. (I eventually had a third interview and accepted the job!)


I had been in Ohio for over a day before I said you haven't seen me since I had my surgery and I held up my arms. My sister didn't even notice it and I'm sure my little niece didn't. The more time goes on the more I forget I have those scars. When I look at them I am not ashamed or embarrassed, I am proud. Those are my battle scars. They remind me how far I have come.

I don't run

Ya I said it once...
"We're doing the Dempsey Challenge 5k. Why don't you join our team?"
"I don't run."
"You can walk it. Just come and 'train with us'"

I might have walked away and rolled my eyes. She seriously wants me to run. I weigh over 250 pounds. Thats not happening.' I remember the night clearly but I still went the next night to 'train' We walked around the block and chatted. 
"Each lap is a quarter of a mile," she had said- and as we came around the corner for the 4th time she said we were at almost 45 mins. "I want to get to that stop sign before 45 mins" she said- and - I took off running. 

Something just didn't seem right. I mean I knew I was out of shape but a mile in 45 minutes? That just didn't seem right. That night I thought about it. I made a plan and a promise. If she had been wrong about the measurement of the block then I would sign up for the 5k... she was. Each lap was a half a mile. I went to class an hour later. "Hey," I said-"  signed up for the 5k". There was a gleam of happiness in her eyes and her hug reassured me that I could do it. And so it began. There was no more walking. Each night we ran a little bit further and by the time she left for her 3 week vacation we were up to almost a half mile without stopping. 

Now I had something to prove. And the running kept happening almost every day with the help of her partner in crime. We met and ran. I wanted to be able to 'run' 3 miles by the time she got home. Sometime we ran in the early morning-other times after class. By the time she got back I was running a 5k (now the time wasn't great but it was continuous). 

The training didn't stop there. We kept running and running some more. Two days prior to the race we even ran a portion of the course to get familiar with it. We got matching shirt and were ready to rock it out. Race day came so fast. It was freezing. We were waring layers upon layers of clothing. I don't know that I had slept the night before and I was feeling a pure adrenaline rush. We ran the whole time (minus my shoe coming untied at the 2.5 mile mark). The last fourth of a mile was uphill and I didn't think I could do it. In fact I think I said, "I can't do it," and they responded with, "yes you can." A flood of emotions came over me as we reached the last 500 feet or so. There were my mom and dad. We ran right past them and all of a sudden I didn't want to stop running anymore. 

Bonus? We got to meet Mr. Dempsey himself.


Our next 5k was bigger and better. A team of 30 plus took on the Fit at 5 5k the following year. There were people who said-I can't do it. I looked right at them and said-" a I said the same thing once- and you can,"-and-we did. Every single one of us finished. I walked most of the race with 2 team mates-running the last mile after others had run back to meet us-then ran back. The whole team got together and finished with our two team mates. We cried tears of joy that we had completed such a feat. You see, as a wise lady and  fearless leader says: We can because we do-AHK  In fact we finished the fit at 5k tis year again as a team of 35. Walk or run we finish as one.

Just start.

I'm all set!

How did I start on the journey to become a Zumba Instructor? Its simple. I went rollerskating which was followed by drinks at Margaritas…

*Slam* her hands came down on the table at Margaritas. I hadn't been paying attention to the conversation. I didn't really know anyone at the table, but we had just finished roller skating with some people who did Zumba® and they had invited me out. 

"and damn girl you've got moves. You need to go get your B1" (B1 is the term used for your basic Zumba® license). 

"I'm all set thanks" I politely said and then went back to sipping on my water. Could I really be an instructor? I still weigh over 300 pounds. Who would want to come to my class? Were the first thoughts that went through my mind. 

A few weeks later I returned to school. While setting up my classroom my principal wandered into my room. "Wow. You look great! What have you been doing this summer?" 

"Zumba®" 

"Well keep it up."

A few weeks after that school started back up. I wandered into the teachers room a few days back to school. 

"Ahh just the person we wanted to see. You look great. We want you to teach us Zumba®"

"Thanks- but I can't. I'm not an instructor."

"We don't care."

"But I do."

I went on with my day putting the thought on the back burner. They are crazy. I'm not doing that and I didn't give it much more thought. That same afternoon a first grader from a class down the hall grabbed my arm and started walking with me during bus dismissal. 

"Ms. Skilling, have you lost weight?"

"yes I have."

"I thought so. You look great."


She smiled and me and walked out the door. That night I signed up to go get my B1. I could do it. The training was 3 weeks later. 

Thats how the journey started. 

The rest of the world was starting to see what I was working towards. They were seeing the effort I was putting in and they were seeing how happy I was becoming. I smiled more, I laughed and I was feeling good. Year of wishing and hoping were now paying off with hard work and determination. I was on the road to taking control back of my body and my life.

Belong

"Auntie, wanna hear my letter I had to write to an author that made an impact on my life?"

"Of course I do. I always wanna hear about school."

"Good. 'Cause I was going to read it to you anyway."

An unplanned alone moment with the worlds smartest  and insightful 13 year old I know opened my eyes to so much.

Belonging. Her letter was about identifying with the main characters sense and need to belong. How society can be wrapped up so much in being perfect and not taking time to notice the imperfections and more importantly realizes that they really aren't imprecations at all. Everyone just wants to belong to someone or something. To have that circle of friends that will always be there for you and love you just the same. To move past the materialistic and what is right in front of you and see more.

Growing up I belonged to The International Order of the Rainbow for Girls ( for more information on this amazing group for girls please visit: www.gorainbow.org ). I owe my existence to it- literally. My mother was a Rainbow Girl with my dads cousins and well the rest is history.
Rainbow taught me so much, more than I could ever put into words. It gave me a place to belong. A place where I didn't feel like I was being judged. It gave me friends who became my sisters. The lessons I learned in Rainbow I carry with me throughout my every day life. I am so lucky to be able to return the favor and be an advisor for such an amazing organization tat does everything for the community.

Through the years. Me and my 'sister'- Hanna

The next time that I felt like I belonged what when I found Zumba. Zumba gave me a family, and I eventually ended up finding my sense of belonging with Girl Power Fitness. Over the course of the last 4 years I have met many people. And these people have helped shaped me into the person I am today, and less of the person I was before- but literally and physically. They have helped me loose more than the physical weight. They have helped me loose some of the psychological weight as well. You can workout and you can eat right but if you are stressed or holding onto something- it really doesn't matter. Girl Power Fitness has helped make my stresses disappear along with the weight.

  

Me, Rita and Adriane

Girl Power Fitness Fit at 5k Team 2014

Bottom line… Sitting there and listening to this brilliant, beautiful and absolutely perfect teenager gave me so much insight as to what it really does mean to belong.

Burlesque

Recently I went to a fun and fitness weekend at Point Sebago in Casco Maine. Why not spend a weekend working out with friends? One of the classes that was offered was a Burlesque class. I was not so sure that this was a class that I wanted to take part in. I mean you have to be fierce and confident while doing things that make you feel a little uncomfortable. 

I absolutely loved it! It made me feel confident in my body. The instructor showed us ways that would make us feel sexy and not draw attention to areas that we don't want attention drawn to. How to use our assets. It was also a workout. I was sweating and felt like I had had a workout. 

You have to be Strong and Confident and you will be beautiful. 

Sticks and Stones

I don't remember being called names to my face at school. Either that or I have pushed those memories so far down that I don't remember them anymore. I'm sure there was name calling and i am sure that I was left out. Probably why I had no interest in going to my 10 year high school reunion last weekend, even if one of my youth group girls said: "why not Mum? Don't you want to go show all those people how hot you got?"  

I remember being the happy out going kid early on and then in 3rd grade, something changed. I remember the night standing on the scale. Weighing in at 93 pounds. Things changed around that time. I remember around that time being ok with myself- or pretending I was. Even reading my medical charts the doctor noted that I was gaining weight, but I had "no concerns" and I was "fine" with my body. 

Somewhere along the line I learned survival techniques. I learned that if I tried my hardest and was 'good' at stuff that people would want to be my friend or just leave me alone. By the time I was in high school I could count on one hand how many people I would consider to be "friends". I didn't hang out with with many "friends" outside of school. I stayed to myself and I (thought I) was happy. 

This continued on into college. My roommate dropped out the first week and I had a single to myself for the first trimester. I didn't go out. I didn't do things. I stayed to myself. Until second semester when I met a few (2 or 3) friends. Although i did still continue to come home every weekend to work, I now had a few friends to eat with. College didn't yield many friends. I was active in a few clubs and did the M-F thing and packed up and come home. 

It wasn't until I started working out and taking care of myself that I found friends and in return found happiness. Zumba gave me people who shared a common interests and cared about me. What kept me coming back to classes over and over was the socialness that it provided. I found happiness and it allowed for all those years of being alone to be a distant memory. I have learned to live in the presences, not take anything for-granted and to love myself.

Food

In times of stress I used to do one of two things. I would either eat- and eat a lot or I wouldn't. Both are bad. As I have traveled along this journey I think back about food. Yes Zumba®, Personal Training, and classes with Girl Power Fitness have been a huge part of me loosing the weight, but food also has played a role in it as well. 

At first I didn't change what I was eating that much. Overtime I had to. I was stuck at the same weight for months. I was working out, I was eating healthy, I was doing everything right I thought. I started working with a good friend, who is also a personal trainer. We changed how I ate and when I ate. We had to play with foods. I didn't know that even those foods I thought were good for me might have been causing me to maintain (and sometimes gain) weight and not loose it. Did you know that if you are "sensitive" to a food your body blots? By eliminating foods I was eating and adding them back in and closely monitoring my weight and workouts we were able to find what foods I should try to avoid or limit. It was amazing. I lost nearly 40 pounds in the time I worked with her. 


Over the last year since stopping the personal training I have gone up and down. Right now, I am up. The truth? Summer vacation hit and I stopped eating on a schedule. I attended cookouts and gave in to those cravings and I'm paying for it now. I have to own up to it and move forward. So its back to planning my meals, pre-making lunches for school and planning my workouts, telling my friend and personal trainer friend and following through. 

No excuses. Excuses don't yield results. Work does.