Sticks and Stones

I don't remember being called names to my face at school. Either that or I have pushed those memories so far down that I don't remember them anymore. I'm sure there was name calling and i am sure that I was left out. Probably why I had no interest in going to my 10 year high school reunion last weekend, even if one of my youth group girls said: "why not Mum? Don't you want to go show all those people how hot you got?"  

I remember being the happy out going kid early on and then in 3rd grade, something changed. I remember the night standing on the scale. Weighing in at 93 pounds. Things changed around that time. I remember around that time being ok with myself- or pretending I was. Even reading my medical charts the doctor noted that I was gaining weight, but I had "no concerns" and I was "fine" with my body. 

Somewhere along the line I learned survival techniques. I learned that if I tried my hardest and was 'good' at stuff that people would want to be my friend or just leave me alone. By the time I was in high school I could count on one hand how many people I would consider to be "friends". I didn't hang out with with many "friends" outside of school. I stayed to myself and I (thought I) was happy. 

This continued on into college. My roommate dropped out the first week and I had a single to myself for the first trimester. I didn't go out. I didn't do things. I stayed to myself. Until second semester when I met a few (2 or 3) friends. Although i did still continue to come home every weekend to work, I now had a few friends to eat with. College didn't yield many friends. I was active in a few clubs and did the M-F thing and packed up and come home. 

It wasn't until I started working out and taking care of myself that I found friends and in return found happiness. Zumba gave me people who shared a common interests and cared about me. What kept me coming back to classes over and over was the socialness that it provided. I found happiness and it allowed for all those years of being alone to be a distant memory. I have learned to live in the presences, not take anything for-granted and to love myself.