The Cross Over

It's simple things that I can do now that I didn't know I really missed like crossing my legs, or sitting on the floor and reaching my arms around my legs, holding on tight (and I remember the exact moment and time this happened), tying my shoe, or painting my own toe nails. In fact just sitting on the floor in general used to be a challenge, because when you get on the floor you have to get up... eventually. The extra weight didn't just hold me down, it weighed me down it kept me away from doing things I wanted to do. 

I remember going to Virginia my junior year in high school for a band and choir competition. One day we got to go to the amusement park. My friends and I went on all kinds of rides. There was even a roller coaster that went upside down. We stood inline for that ride for a really long time. When we finally got to the front of the line and it was our turn, i got in, and the latch wouldn't come down. I was crushed but shook it off as, "well I didn't want to go anyway." Truth? I did. Even though I am terrified of heights, I wanted to go on that ride with my friends. I held back the tears as I watched them still go on the ride with out me. I stood on the ground feeling so little, but yet so big.


Things that you don't think of become more and more relevant when you can't do them. I remember hearing the old adage, "don't judge a person, until you have walked a mile in their shoes," cause once you walk in them you will get an idea of what its like and you'll also be a mile away. 

It was things like not fitting into rides, not being able to take part in activities that other were doing that I missed out on. But not anymore. I will go to the amusement park and I will ride on that ride- even if I am scared to death- because I can and I'm not going to miss out on things anymore. Losing the weight gave me the freedom to do things I haven't done before like zip-lining white water rafting.

This past summer I traveled for both "business" and "pleasure". In the past when I have traveled its been "suck it in" or "can I have an extension please." Not this time. I sit down and buckle my seat belt with no problem and even have to tighten it. See in the past when I have gone to different places via plane its been an uncomfortable ride. I know that people would see me coming and say... oh god, please don't let her sit down next to me,  Being on the end of that look isn't fun. I would even be praying, 'Please God, let there be an empty seat next to me." I was fully aware that I was not the ideal person to sit next to. and you would pray that you were on the window or isle seat so you could try to lean out of the way. 

Looking back it also effected my job as a teacher. Im talking more than just being able to get on the floor with students, I'm talking about teaching. My first year of teaching I had an overhead and I just let it sit on a desk instead of a taller stand. If it was on a desk I could sit and teach from my chair. At recess duty- I would stand there and just watch. Now- I stand most of my day at school. I'm moving around- I'm getting up and down and even sitting on chairs made for 6 year olds without the fear of them breaking. I play with my kids at recess (while still "watching" them). My kids beg me to do Zumba® and Bokwa® with them during inside recess or while we wait for the buses to be called. They see me working hard at getting healthier and more active. I remember this one day at dismissal. I was getting a hug from one of my fourth graders and she looked up at me and said, "Hey Ms. Skilling. I can fit my arms all the way around you now," and she squeezed me tight.

I can't wait to ride that roller coaster this summer. <3 2015 <3

Unconditional Love

I flew to Ohio and visited my childhood best friend (my sister), her husband and my new baby niece for a few days. Anytime that I was awake and the baby wasn't nursing I pretty much held her. I've held babies plenty of times before. If there is a baby around chances are they are with me. This time though there was something different. I've never done overnights with these new babies before. I was "with her" for two and a half days. We went shopping, we went for walks, read books (lots and lots of books) and we just relaxed. I was perfectly content with just sitting on the couch and holding her. Staring at her and just loving her. She loves me unconditionally, babies love you unconditionally. 

Back home at the end of class each instructor will lead the class in hugging them self and saying love yourself love yourself. Those words were just words until about a year ago. I would say them when I was taking the class and when I stared teaching classes those words were, (I know it sounds bad) just words. 

April 25, 2013, the day I hit ONEderland, the day that I knew I had done something amazing, I had lost 40% of my original body weight, was the turning of me loving myself. I had qualified to have skin removal surgery. My arms bothered me. I hated looking at them in the mirror at class and I hated to think that others were looking at them, not only that but it hurt. It hurt to have all the extra skin flapping around and pulling. It was a mental, emotional and physical struggle, not to mention a finical decision as this was considered cosmetic surgery. I had to be ok with what I was going to be doing. I was going to be going from the excess skin to scars that ran from my elbow to my armpit. Surgery day came and I was wheeled into the OR. I looked at the Dr and said, "Make my arms skinny doc," to lighten the mood.

In the days following surgery my arms were pretty much wrapped all the time to keep the swelling down. I returned to teaching school days later, although I didn't have any physical pain I was exhausted. I had bought long sleeve shirts to return to school-not because I was self conscious in any means, but in order for my students to not be focusing on the scars and on what they needed to be doing. 

One month later we had an open house and I was leading off the warm up to kick it off. I stood in front of the class and got ready to hit play. I looked at myself in the mirrors. It was the first time I was looking at myself full on, leading a class. My mind went first to my arms. I looked at them and was ready to see what they could do. It was surreal looking at them and not seeing extra skin flap and feel that extra pull. It was the start of me not just loving myself, but loving what I saw on the outside.  

As the months went on my sleeve length became shorter and before to long it was just a matter of fact. Feelings of focus on my scars came back again at the end of the school year when I began interviewing in other districts for a new job. I had cute dresses to wear, but I wanted and felt as though I needed to wear a jacket to cover my scars so that the committee would hear me and not be focused on my scars. I got a second interview and I searched for another outfit to cover my arms-I had to teach a lesson in front of 18 kindergartners and, let's face it, kids are honest. Not finding one, I settled for a shirt the would cover a good portion and went from there, and you know what? The kids didn't say a word. The saw me not my arms. (I eventually had a third interview and accepted the job!)


I had been in Ohio for over a day before I said you haven't seen me since I had my surgery and I held up my arms. My sister didn't even notice it and I'm sure my little niece didn't. The more time goes on the more I forget I have those scars. When I look at them I am not ashamed or embarrassed, I am proud. Those are my battle scars. They remind me how far I have come.

I'm all set!

How did I start on the journey to become a Zumba Instructor? Its simple. I went rollerskating which was followed by drinks at Margaritas…

*Slam* her hands came down on the table at Margaritas. I hadn't been paying attention to the conversation. I didn't really know anyone at the table, but we had just finished roller skating with some people who did Zumba® and they had invited me out. 

"and damn girl you've got moves. You need to go get your B1" (B1 is the term used for your basic Zumba® license). 

"I'm all set thanks" I politely said and then went back to sipping on my water. Could I really be an instructor? I still weigh over 300 pounds. Who would want to come to my class? Were the first thoughts that went through my mind. 

A few weeks later I returned to school. While setting up my classroom my principal wandered into my room. "Wow. You look great! What have you been doing this summer?" 

"Zumba®" 

"Well keep it up."

A few weeks after that school started back up. I wandered into the teachers room a few days back to school. 

"Ahh just the person we wanted to see. You look great. We want you to teach us Zumba®"

"Thanks- but I can't. I'm not an instructor."

"We don't care."

"But I do."

I went on with my day putting the thought on the back burner. They are crazy. I'm not doing that and I didn't give it much more thought. That same afternoon a first grader from a class down the hall grabbed my arm and started walking with me during bus dismissal. 

"Ms. Skilling, have you lost weight?"

"yes I have."

"I thought so. You look great."


She smiled and me and walked out the door. That night I signed up to go get my B1. I could do it. The training was 3 weeks later. 

Thats how the journey started. 

The rest of the world was starting to see what I was working towards. They were seeing the effort I was putting in and they were seeing how happy I was becoming. I smiled more, I laughed and I was feeling good. Year of wishing and hoping were now paying off with hard work and determination. I was on the road to taking control back of my body and my life.

Food

In times of stress I used to do one of two things. I would either eat- and eat a lot or I wouldn't. Both are bad. As I have traveled along this journey I think back about food. Yes Zumba®, Personal Training, and classes with Girl Power Fitness have been a huge part of me loosing the weight, but food also has played a role in it as well. 

At first I didn't change what I was eating that much. Overtime I had to. I was stuck at the same weight for months. I was working out, I was eating healthy, I was doing everything right I thought. I started working with a good friend, who is also a personal trainer. We changed how I ate and when I ate. We had to play with foods. I didn't know that even those foods I thought were good for me might have been causing me to maintain (and sometimes gain) weight and not loose it. Did you know that if you are "sensitive" to a food your body blots? By eliminating foods I was eating and adding them back in and closely monitoring my weight and workouts we were able to find what foods I should try to avoid or limit. It was amazing. I lost nearly 40 pounds in the time I worked with her. 


Over the last year since stopping the personal training I have gone up and down. Right now, I am up. The truth? Summer vacation hit and I stopped eating on a schedule. I attended cookouts and gave in to those cravings and I'm paying for it now. I have to own up to it and move forward. So its back to planning my meals, pre-making lunches for school and planning my workouts, telling my friend and personal trainer friend and following through. 

No excuses. Excuses don't yield results. Work does.

Healthy is Beautiful

I tried several times before to lose weight. I joined a gym and hated every minute of it. We even have a treadmill and elliptical in the basement and that couldn't get me going. 

The New Years before I started my journey, my pastor gave a sermon on why resolutions fail. He said; "Its easy to make a promise to yourself and let yourself down. Instead, why not make a promise to God. It's much harder to let Him down." 

I started back at the gym with the thought that this was going to be it. This time was going to be different. By March my gym visits were decreasing and I was losing interest because I wasn't seeing results as fast as I wanted. Then I was invited to try a Zumba® class. I have been doing Zumba® for almost 4 years and have been and instructor for over 3 years. 

I attended my first Zumba® class on April 25th, 2011. At 330+ pounds just even standing for an hour was hard, never mind dancing, but I went back. You see the difference was for me finding a family. Going to class gave me friends- something I lacked- and these friends kept me coming back. It provided socialness. I looked forward to coming to class and seeing my friends. We would laugh and have FUN, the working out? Well that was just a bonus. My journey to lose 130+ pounds started with Zumba®. It now includes, Bokwa®, P90X, Butts and Guts, Personal Training and even running.

After losing 40% of my original body weight I had surgery on December 30, 2013 to remove extra skin that was painful when working out. It took me a long time to be ok with having surgery. I wanted to fix it on my own. I realized that I was never alone. I had my family, friends and God all backing me up. I haven’t done it on my own. I still have about more weight that I would like to lose. I tell myself healthy knows NO size. Healthy is a state of being. Healthy is beautiful.

There is no short cut. There is no right way or one way to go. There are ups and downs. You will slip up. You will get that flat tire. My doctor would say to me year after year. “Your test all came back fine the only concern is your weight- but until you want to make the change I'm not going to try to tell you otherwise. You have to want it." And 4 years ago- I decided that I wanted it.

You are beYOUtiful. Just the way you are.