aNGˈzīədē/

Anxiety .aNGˈzīədē/
noun
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

Anxiety is exhausting. It wears me out. It feels like my brain is constantly firing off thoughts with no rhyme or reason. It is always thinking, and often times, {most of the time} it feels like it can't stop. It can feel like the thoughts are sometimes irrational, things that I can't control and that I know I shouldn't be worrying about- but the thing is, I can't stop worrying. Telling myself to not worry, or not to worry about things I can control, makes it worse, because then I am worried about being worried.

Sometimes it keeps me awake at nights. I wake up feeling exhausted, if I slept. It doesn't matter how tired I am, my brain wont shut off. {I did some research and recently bought a weighted blanket to try to help with this- I will write about this later}. Sometimes, I don't even know what it is that is keeping me awake. I often ask, "Why can't I sleep?" Even sleep aids don't seem to help.

I drive the people around me crazy, even if they say I don't. I worry about things that I have no need to worry about. I need (sometimes constant) reassurance that things are going to be ok. I may seem like I am an outgoing, bubbly person, and yes this is sometimes true, but sometimes, I just need to have some quiet time, home, away from the crowds. Sometimes the thought of being around people, even people I love and care deeply about, can be exhausting. Telling myself to stop thinking these thoughts, or to stop worrying about it, makes it even worse, because then I am worrying about worrying. It never stops.

It has been said that anxiety feels like you are swimming up stream. Your thoughts are the water rushing by you and you are just trying to get passed them. You just want to make it to somewhere you can stand up and not have the water take you away.

I make list. Some would even say I make list about making list. But somehow writing everything down and being able to check it off, helps. I feel a sense of accomplishment by being able to check things off my lists. It is a way that I am able to organize the thoughts in my head. I can see what needs to be done, I can cross it off, I can visually get it done.

A day off? I feel bad when I take days to do nothing. I feel like I wasted an opportunity to do something or get something done. Once I have something in my head that needs to be done, or I want to get done, which makes the anxiety worse. So yes, I like to be busy, yes I do take time to do fun things, and somehow find a way to keep the balance.

Living with anxiety is a balancing act. Finding what works for you can help. It might not always work. There are times when I just can't deal. I break down, but the best thing you can do when you are down, is get back up. 

Change, Growth, Friends

I was home alone last Saturday night feeling kind of down. My guy was at a work thing and I was home alone. I had been lazy all day. I was wishing that I could go out with a friend or have a girls night, just to have company. When I got a message from a friend asking if I wanted to meet for dinner. Next thing I knew I was at Margaritas and then almost 3 hours later I was heading home. It had been a while since we had gotten together, way to long. We have chatted frequently, weekly if not daily, over the last year, but only seen each other, briefly, a handful of times.
What did I realize while at dinner?
We're not the people we were just over a year ago. We have grown and changed a lot. The last year has been a year of growth. I went out on my own and opened/ hosted my own classes. I fell more deeply in love with the man of my dreams. We got engaged and began planning our wedding. I lost both of my grandparents, within 72 hours of each other, and I was thousands of miles away in the middle of the ocean. I left a job that I loved, but wasn't a sure secure income, for a job that pays a little less, but offers me security. I flew to Seattle in a whirlwind of a weekend to witness my cousin get married. I found countless pennies from heaven when I needed them the most. I spent countless nights at my cousins house playing TOK. Weekends at camp and a month with my future in laws this summer.
One thing I know for sure. Everything is happening for a reason. Every experiences has brought me to where I am in this moment, and most of the time, I am happy.

Every kid is ONE caring adult away from being a success story.

It's been almost 6 years since I taught him in 4th grade. He was a rough kid around the edges, but so were many in the class. But I got him. I understood. He came to school with baggage. Most of the time he slept at his best friends house, who was also in my class, "what's one more kid when you already have 6 boys?" she would ask. He played football. It was important to him and so I went to a game or two. Because I cared and if I cared and he knew it, maybe he would care about his school work too. Just maybe I would be one more person who cared about him. He wanted to be professional football player. He talked football all day. We had a conversation one day.

"You know if you want to play ball in middle school and high school you need to keep the grades up or you wont play."
"Yeah Ms. Skilling I know."
It was almost a daily conversation as things would be tossed across my class like a football.

Then one day the best friend came in.
"He's gone Ms. Skilling." he said holding back the tears.
"What do you mean he's gone?"
"His mom dropped him off at the airport with a suitcase and told him he was going to go live with his dad. He didn't even get to say good-bye."

I emailed *mom of 6 boys* right away.
She confirmed what was told to me by her heartbroken child. Later that day I got a Facebook message from *him*
Ms. Skilling I'm so sorry. I didn't know I was going to go. I didn't get to say good-bye. Tell the class I'm sorry. Tell them I miss them.
I didn't respond. I couldn't. I instead emailed the mom.
Please tell him that I hope he does well. That his class misses him and hopes he is ok. That I miss him.
She emailed me back and said she had offered to fly him back home and take custody of him. I commended her for her thoughtfulness and she said she knew I would understand. She saw me at the games, as it was her sons team too. She knew I understood. She sent me back an image and it stuck with me.

Three years later. Another message.
Hey Ms. Skilling its me *name* remember me?
And this time I respond.
Hi, *name* yes, I remember you. Hope you are well.
I'm doing well. Are you still doing Zumba?
Yes, I am! 6 days a week.

That was the end of the conversation.

Today.
Hey Ms. Skilling! It's me *name* remember me?
Hello *name*
How have you been?
I've been doing well, *name*, how about you?
Good. Playing football and keeping my grades up.
Good! You still out of state with your dad?
Yes. But I'm coming back to Maine in May for good and I wanted you to know.

Maybe next fall I'll be sitting at another football game and cheering on the boy, who, despite it all, is still playing football, keeping his grades up and surviving despite it all. Maybe one day I'll be watching him play for the NFL on my living room TV.

Changes

It's a rainy day. But it's not snowing so I will take it. My roommate, Elizabeth, and I want to try our hand at having a garden this summer so right now we are just waiting for the snow to go away! We look forward to growing our own food and canning it for the winter months next year.

As the seasons change, so do things in our lives. I am ending a chapter of my life this week as I leave my role as Mid Maine Regional Coordinator at Youth MOVE Maine and begin a new chapter at Margaret Murphy in April. I am excited and nervous about the change, but feel that it is the right for me at this point in my life. It will have a consistent schedule (M-F 8-4) and they are fine with me leaving a little early to teach my Zumba classes on Monday and Wednesdays at the YMCA. I will be moving my Zumba Kids class at Park Ave from 3:10 to 4:10, so I will still get to keep all my "other" jobs and will no longer "need" to have Saturday's off for work and can be more flexible with the swim lessons schedule on Saturdays. I will miss the kids that I work with and hope to stay in contact with them. I will also miss my awesome coworkers and wish them the best, as well as all of the committees that I have had the honor to serve on over the last two years.

I am heading out on my cruise in less than a month and am ready to get a way for a little bit, although I am leaving people here that I will miss terribly. I am counting down the days until the 4th of July and the trip to Seattle with Tim for Kathryns wedding in August. 

I am also continuing to work on me. Health wise and other. I am so lucky to have my supportive guy by my side. We have a plan and we are sticking to it. Including being careful with our money and saving as much as possible, eating at home more and spending time together on Sundays prepping food for the week. I am excited to stick to this plan and see how well we can do with it.

I can't believe that April will be here by the end of the week. It doesn't seem possible that it is already almost 1/4 of the way through the year.

Lists

Anyone that knows me knows I like lists. I like to be organized, (or at least pretend to be). So yesterday I was looking for monthly check lists to help me get certain things done every week/ month and I happened upon this website:
http://recipes.com/printable/personal-planner/

I printed off all the monthly forms. There is something about checking off a box that gives me some satisfaction. Each month gives you:

• a Monthly focus: What is IT that I want to accomplish this month?
• Top 3 things to do: what are the 3 things that HAVE to get done this month. What do you want your goals to be?
• A place for special dates: who's birthday, anniversary, party is happening this month?
• A place to write down chores. This is where I'm going to put down the things I want to get down every week or month.
• A place for 3 goals for the month and the steps needed to take in order to get there.
• A notes section to write down anything else that is important to the me for the month.

I also am trying to do one "big" shopping trip a month and budgeting for it. By eliminating several trips to the store I am focusing on getting items I need and planned for. I found this template online.
I just simply crossed out weekly to month. Over the course of the next few weeks as I run out of items or think of things that I would need in order to try out new recipes. It breaks the shopping list into sections of the store that you shop in, which I hopes me really focus on what I went to the store to buy.
Not to mention, it is also very colorful, which makes it pretty, and has those bullets to check off while shopping, that make it fun and gives a sense of accomplishment. I plan to use this for my shopping trip at the end of the month for the next month. I still need to make some smaller trips during the month, when/if I need fresh fruits and veggies, but I'm hopping that this will help me be focused in my planning, shopping and budget, which will help me save money in the long run, both at the store and with using less gas, because of less trips.

I'm a big planner and budgeter and so I am always looking at ways to help me be more organized. I don't believe in recreating the wheel, so if I can google something and find it online, and it works for me, then I will use it. If it's not going to work, then I am not going to spend time on it.

Happy Monday! Glad I could share with you today.

Lent

Time seems to be slipping away. I can't believe that tomorrow is March 1 and also the start of the Lenten season!

This year seems to be going by in the blink of an eye, but they do say, Time flies when you are having fun, and most days, I have fun!

I have been meaning to sit down and write a post for weeks now, but I run out of time. For Zumba classes at the United Methodist Church Auburn we have been paying it forward ( #elliptical ). January we collected paper towels and tissues for the Auburn Preschool, located at the church. In February we have been knitting and/crocheting Prayer Shawls for the churches ministry (I'm working on number 19 or 20 right now...) they will be presented at church on Sunday. In March, we will be collecting new/used books for the food pantry that the church supports, and I already have our plans ready to go for April, May and June!

Paying it forward has gotten me thinking about lent. I know that most think about giving something up ( I am giving up cheese- mostly to prove to someone *coughmyboyfriendcough* that I can, as well as carbonated drinks) I want to take a different spin on it too. I was inspired by a post someone shared  that said take 40 bags of "stuff" out of your house (any size) every day... yes I have done some weeding but it got me thinking about "adding" something. Something as simple as reaching out to a person who you haven't talked to in a while, giving someone a compliment, grabbing coffee with someone or offering to lend a helping hand. That is something simple that can be done, and doesn't have to take much time out of your day.

I'm also going to "add" something to my day. I'm going to add a mile. A mile a day for 40 days in any form. Walking, running, jogging, arc machine, bike... or swimming- yes even swimming... I went to the YMCA to see if I could do it and how long it would take- I did do it (it was 88 laps of our little pool) and it took me about 50 mins to complete it. I even printed a 40 Days of Lent calendar that I found through a google search to keep track.

So here we go. I ate the last 2 or 3 cheese sticks in my fridge today and didn't even shed a tear. So... happy Lent, to those who celebrate.

Shape of You

Happy New Year.
Let's break it down.
Happy- 
adjective
1. Feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.
2. Fortunate and content.

New Year
1. New Year is the time at which a new calendar year begins and the calendar's year count increments by one.


I have had a great first 9 days of the New Year. I have been happy (almost every day) and have been trying to find the good in each day, even if something puts me in a crabby mood. 

Today was an exceptionally good Monday. 
This morning started with an email from Bikini Diaries.

Let's back this story up a little bit. Last January I went on the ZUMBA Cruise. While on the January cruise they had a chance for anyone who wanted to, to meet with a film crew and share a little about how zumba changed their life. So I did. A few months later the interviewer sent me an email saying that they were working with Bikini.com on a series called Bikini Diaries. At that time they had recently interviewed Sports Illustrated Swim Model  Mia Kang about her experience with bullying, (see her story here) and they wanted to know if I would be willing to work with them and share my Zumba story. I of course said yes. I recorded my story in June and sent it off. About a month later they sent me an email saying that the video was dark, and wanted to know if I would rerecord. So I did. The last email I received was in October saying they were in the process of editing it. I was just thinking the other day that I hadn't herd back from them. When I opened my email this morning, I saw this email:

Hey Megan! 

We're moving forward. Have you seen the video? I can't remember - I think so. 

Our contacts at Zumba actually loved the video so much that they've asked us to further develop the story - I hope you're up for it! To that end - just a short interview by email. Could you take a few minutes and respond when you get a chance? By the end of the week would be fine - we're looking to post this next Wednesday! 

I know you've gotten into some of this in the video - the idea is that people could read either the piece or watch the video, so don't worry about being repetitive. 

NO! I haven't seen the video. I can't wait to see it! I answered the questions that were sent and have been eagerly awaiting a response.

Mean while, Friday Ed Sheeran released two new songs. One of which I really like the beat to and was able to choreograph for my class already. Although the message is a little "naughty" the title of the song, Shape of You, caught my attention. I'm in love with the shape of you...I'm in love with your body.

I was practicing today in front of the mirror before class and I smiled. It's been a long time since I have looked in the mirror and smiled. I have put weight back on and haven't loved my body lately. But today I stood in front of the mirror. I could see a role or two but I was totally ok with it. You see, I've done it before, and for some reason, I am ready to do it again. I hope I can keep this motivation going.

Sneak peek at one of the questions she sent...

Did you struggle in that effort to become an instructor? Were you ever, like - forget this, it's just too hard! If so - how did you get past it? 

Yes! When you are the instructor, it's game on all the time. You have to be there. You have to show up. You have to have the songs ready to go and you have to give it your best 110% of the time.

I have those moments all the time where I am like. Argh, I don't want to do this. I don't want to go to class. I work a full time 40 hour a week job and then a part time job in addition to teaching 7-11 classes a week (depending on the week). When you need to learn new choreography for each class (specialty- Zumba, Zumba toning, Aqua Zumba, Zumba God, Zumba Kids...) 

How do I get past it? I show up to class! I put my sneakers on. Put my hair up in a pony tail, I get my ipod ready. I get to the correct playlist. I talk to the students as they come in the door. We gripe about our workday, share excitement, sadness and everything in between, because really we aren't just instructor and student, we are family. I look at their faces, those friends who might be feeling the same way I am, and they still showed up, and they're not the instructor, they didn't have to. The music starts and its game time and there is no place I would rather be at that moment and the hour goes by so quickly. Zumba is the always the answer for me. 

When I need inspiration I watch Videos, attend a class, take a JAM or a BOOST class.

Then I have those moments where I am like. WOW. I'm the instructor! Wow! These people are here to take a class with me. They choose to be here with me in this moment in time and continue to come back.  

Then there's the pride in the fact that I am stubborn and don't want to give up. I know where I was and I know that if I wasn't the instructor I wouldn't be working out as much as I am. I am not a quitter. So even though I have put some weight back on over the last year, I am determined to get it off again!